You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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