I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
