There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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