I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
