They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
