Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
