Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
