I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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