I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
