"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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