I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
