theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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