My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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