he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
