i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
