My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
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Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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