this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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