My hand turned me down
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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