I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
