The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Well I just put wine in my tea
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
