You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
