And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
