And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
