Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
