I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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