so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My dad is sitting where you rode me
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
