check it out our google latitudes are spooning
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
