I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
