while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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