Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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