So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
