Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
she told me i tasted like america
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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