My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
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Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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