just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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