i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
