i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Blood and glitter go together right?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
