sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
