In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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