what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I supernannyed him into submission
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
