Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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