I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
