im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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