My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
