I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
