why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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