Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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