The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
