sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
