Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
