Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
