So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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