I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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