no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
