I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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