So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
