im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
someone owes me an orgasm
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
