dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
